Fuzzspot
My Out Of The Way Place

I Sat

I sat with the gun in my hand peering vacantly into the dark.

Thinking of all the reasons to be gone.

I sat with the gun in my hand peering vacantly into the dark.

Thinking of all the reasons to stay.

I sat with the gun in my hand and the dawn painted light upon the horizon.

I put the gun away. The Dawn had given me all the reason to stay.

Years ago, after a difficult breakup with my then fiancee, I stayed up all night drinking and wondering how everything had gone so wrong. Early that morning, I found myself parked on the side of a lonesome road with a loaded .357 and all intentions of ending my life. By chance or fate or some higher purpose, I was facing the dawn. When the dawn arose, I found that I could not bring about my end at the start of a new day. I do not remember anything in particular that happened that day, but each day seemed easier to live. So much has happened in my life since then and I am thankful for that dawn so long ago. I was reminded of this today. I wish that everyone that experiences the loss of hope could see their dawn.

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3 Responses to “I Sat”

  1. Im glad that you did, in fact, see the dawn. Im honored to know you, my friend. All the silly stuff aside, you’re a remarkable man .. one that Im proud to know.
    As I was reading this, I had the player on and in a particular song, the following lyrics streamed as I read:
    “so if you wanna burn yourself remember that i love you
    and if you wanna cut yourself remember that i love you
    and if you wanna kill yourself remember that i love you
    call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead”
    “Loose Lips” by Kimya Dawson.

    Weird.

    That is strange that Kimya’s song was playing in the background. Thanks for your kind words. They are appreciated. I thank you and am humbled. – Fuzz

  2. OMG..

    I too am glad you saw dawn. After reading your blog the other day I gained so much from it I totally respect you.

    Thank you. It has been a long time since I have given thought to that night long ago. Hopefully someone somewhere can read my story and realize how much a new day can bring. – Fuzz

  3. I’m so glad to see you back here…I had not been by in a while and we missed you. This is a very heartfelt piece and I can think back to many times as a high school kid I had the same type of thoughts…I’m so lucky that for many diffrent reasons I never short changed myself. I’m so glad you found the same.

    The world just wouldn’t be the same without you. As always, I appreciate your stopping by. – Fuzz


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